together.

This may come as a shock to some of you who know me well, but I've decided to let baby Johnny grow up.
I've always had a hard time letting go of the baby stage. Oh how I love a tiny, squishy baby that simply wants to be in your arms. Let's be honest, that is way more simple and easy compared to the complex needs we develop as we age.  
I can feel every step of independence taking my children one step further from  out of my arms. Growing up has always felt tinged with growing apart. I don't want to grow apart from my babies.
But it doesn't have to be that way. 
I've always lived in a world of obligations, duties, tasks, checklists.  It's not my babies growing up and away from me. It's me. That precious newborn stage, is so precious, because I allow it to be. I treasure every moment. Something about the frailty of freshly made life coupled with the act of birth, leaves me feeling entitled to resting, to enjoying, to experiencing the bond between my baby and I.
But I change. As baby grows to toddler, and no longer needs me to meet his every need, as my body heals and recovers from being a conduit to a miracle, I no longer feel justified to sit and drink in his existence. I feel like I have to earn my existence again. I return to work, to chores, to deadlines, to schedules, to hurrying, hurrying, hurrying.
How much we miss when we hurry.
Then I blame the miracle of growth. Don't I always blame growth? Growth is change, growth is learning, growth is trials, but growth is also the way too better things. Growth doesn't cause us to grow apart, independence doesn't cause us to grow apart, our response to it does.
My two older boys, 8 and 6, no longer need my help to do basic life functions. We went from them needing me every two hours to this life of quick interactions urging towards the next; rushing off to school in the morning, pressing through the homework battle, hastening through dinner because the dishes are waiting then hurried baths and maybe an hour of family time before bed.
No wonder I missed the baby stage, when every moment required slowing down for bonding time.

Living in this RV, on tour with my husband has changed all that. We have nothing to rush to. We get up in the morning and take as long as we want on good mornings and snuggles. Breakfast is about yummy coffee and waffles and talking about where we woke up and where we are going next together.
School has changed from something we rush away to, into a joined effort. I thought of home-schooling as simply taking over the responsibilty of ensuring my children grow and learn. I was so wrong. I get to grow with them. We are growing together.
Yesterday Topher was working on his kindergarten sight words, He has them all memorized like lightening except for about four. He is so so proud. He beams at me from under that lock of brown hair falling across his forehead, "Mom you are the best teacher." 
I've always heard little boys fall in love with their kindergarten teacher. I never dreamed that would be me. 

We try to do the Jesus storybook Bible together daily. We gathered where ever we are. We read the word, we discuss and I swear, Mark and I learn more than the kids do, and the kids are learning a lot. We are learning together.
We pray together as a family and I get to hear my children's heart and watch as God shapes them into little men after His Heart. Witnessing the changes in them, changes me. We are changing as a family together.
Now I can't lie, we have our share of tough days, though they are few and far between so far, thank you Jesus. But even when days are trying, when trials come up... we don't walk away (ps there is no where to walk away on an RV) It turns out all we have cultivated, our time with each other, our time with God, really helps us use our trials to move forward to a better place. We persevere  together. 
Through all this, I've realized something spectacular. My intimacy with my children doesn't have to lessen as they grow up. My control does because I need to slowly give them more and more of their own control over their lives to prepare them to be adults. My care-giving does because to build their self esteem as adults I have to let them learn to do stuff themselves. 
But my intimacy with them can actually grow. If I take the time to grow it. For me, that involves stopping all the hurrying. Doing less apart and more together. And choosing to be present in more of those moments. 
I guess I always knew my duties as a mother to keep them safe, which lessens over the years until it's eventually done. And to do for them what they can't do for themselves, which also lessens over the years until it is eventually done.
But there is a duty as a mother that only grows. To love them, and all that entails. 
I resolve today to never feel guilty for putting aside other duties so I can stop and love my children. 
Love God. Love my family. Love people. 
I'm just gonna focus on that for a while and let everything else fall as it may. 
Which brings me back to Johnny. If Johnny growing up doesn't mean growing away, rather growing together, then I'm perfectly okay with letting that happen. I can't wait to see what he has to teach me. 

Mark 10: 13 People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. 14 When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 15 I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." 16 And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.

Too good to be true

This might be strange, but I actually enjoy going to Mark's shows with the kids even more than getting a babysitter and going on my own. 

Don't get me wrong, I love a free moment of independence from my kids, a moment where no one needs me and I can simply exist as Megan. But my calling to be a good mom is so strong inside me that I am more at peace when I am doing my duty as a mother, than when I'm not. 

I fully believe that life is about seasons. My season as a mother to young children will be short lived. In this season, I am tired from sleepless nights and days of dancing feet, I'm overwhelmed from the amount of needs my children require help fulfilling and the amount of joy that comes from teaching them how to meet those needs. I'm full to the brim with kisses on soft cheeks, pats on round bellies, and the responsibility to protect that which is most precious in them. 

Late nights out in town, while fun, just drain me. I'm already at my capacity. 

But nights out with the kids, are quite different.

We were all there as a family the night Mark opened for All American Rejects in Boca Raton. What a great night. What an amazing set up. We had our own green room, that was sorta like being home but way better. The room had been set up with fruits, vegetables, hummus, juices, waters, cakes, ect. There was plenty of seating, cozy couches, our lap top set up like a tv and even showers. But the coolest part for me, was we were right across the hall from the All American Rejects, whom I've been a fan of for 10 years!I could look out our door and see Tyson Ritter, I was completely fan-girling. In case you are wondering,  Tyson Ritter is a very kind, cool dude who stopped in the hall to speak to our children and was very generous and considerate to our band, despite his status and years of success in this industry. He was a great model of how to handle fame. 

We have these awesome sound cancelling ear phones for the kids, so we got to go out and watch AAR sound check, sort of like a private show just for the Hartmans. It was an amazing moment.

That night, me and the kids went to dinner with Daddy in a beautiful part of town, walking distance from the venue. Boca Raton is a gorgeous city. I loved everything my eyes could see. 

We were back just in time for Daddy to warm up and for me to change the baby into his pajamas.

We were allowed to watch the show from a great view, typically saved for photographers, but the security guards were kind and they loved the kids. Baby Johnny fell asleep to the muted sounds of his Daddy's band, Junior Doctor.

Once Junior Doctor's set was over we retreated back to the green room. Johnny's stroller turns into a bassinet type thing he could sleep in. The boys changed into their pj's and got cozy on the couches. I put on Wallace and Gromit, our favorite cozy time movie and before long the boys were all three fast asleep.

Mark and the Junior Doctor boys were busy at the merch table doing meet and greet type stuff; taking pictures, signing cds and t-shirts, sharing stories with fans. This would typically be a time were I would just kind of be hanging around. I love meeting people, but I'm best one on one. I don't always know how to handle a crowd in long doses. So honestly, I actually enjoy the quiet moments away with the kids, putting them to sleep and following our routines. Typically, this would be the time I would go to sleep myself. But not when All American Rejects is the closing band. That is a moment worth staying up late for. :)

The JRDR guys finished up around the middle of AAR's closing set. Our tour manager on that show, Jimmy, was kind enough to sit with our sleeping boys and let Mark & I watch the last All American Rejects song from backstage. What a killer moment.

All in all, the night couldn't have gone any better. I was able to be a part of everything I wanted to, while still keeping to all my values and duties as a mother. This was a dream of mine that seemed to good to be true. 

Until Mark asked God for it. 

It seems God specializing in things that are too good to be true.  

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

                       (Ecclesiastes 3:1 ESV)

Holidays on the road!

Last Saturday, March 9th, Mark and I celebrated being married for 11 years. 
Mark and our drummer Jarrod took turns driving for most of the day as we were on our way to Texas for tour. Some might wonder if I felt disappointed that most of our anniversary was spent driving with his band, which isn't super romantic. But you see, we have spent many, many holidays apart since Mark started touring. 
I am so grateful for the new plan God has in store for me so far this year! Instead of waking up in a cold winter bed, to a "happy anniversary" text and picture from my husband, I woke up to his smiling face and I got to snuggle up against his warm chest and kiss him good morning, stinky breath and all. 
That is enough to me. Just being with him, being a part of the exhilarating tour lifestyle is enough for me.
But that wasn't all it was. See, there is something I didn't know about tour until I experienced it. People are so welcoming, strangers are so generous; The world becomes your family when you are on tour. It seems God has many helpers along the way.
Around 9 pm Saturday night, we got into Flower Mound, Texas which is our bass player/back up singer Davey's home town. Davey's father and wife were waiting up and so gracious to our rowdy group of men and children and one very tired baby. They welcomed us into their home and invited us to make ourselves at home, and offered their showers and laundry areas for our disposal, as well as warm beds. 
Davey's mother had been waiting to take us all out to dinner. She met us with gifts for my boys whom she's never met and warm hugs all around. She also drove me and my tired, screaming baby around and pretended the noise didn't bother her, which I was so grateful for.
We all ate at this delicious authentic Tex-Mex restaurant. Someone tipped off the waiter that it was Mark and I's anniversary so we ended up with a delicious dessert and best wishes extended. At the end of the meal, our check disappeared. It was the best anniversary I've had in a long time. 

Today is Johnny's first birthday. If I were home, we would plan a big birthday with my family, with presents, games, and of course a big cake for Johnny to smash.
But if we were home, we would not be with Daddy.
Which would be more important to you?
For me it is no question. I want to celebrate the birth of my children, with the person whose love mixed with mine to bring them to life. I'd rather have less of stuff and more of the love.

So far, we woke up together as family and first thing the brothers jumped into our bed to rejoice in Johnny's change from baby to toddler. Topher was especially excited but also a little sad we don't have a baby anymore. I agreed with him, but asked him to please not pray for a new baby just yet (THAT is how Johnny got here in the first place, well... sort of) 
Even though Daddy was up late driving last night and was very tired, it worked out. He was ready for a nap when Johnny was, so Daddy and Johnny got to have their morning nap together, which is something 1 year old toddlers really love. 

One year ago, Johnny was born and "Uh, Oh" got added to Mix 105.1 radio. Today, Junior Doctor is visiting Corpus Christi, Texas to promote "Falling to Pieces". I'm curious to see if our little good luck charm works again. 

I was satisfied with just being together for our anniversary; however, God had even better plans for me. 
I'm satisfied with just being together as family, surrounding Johnny with our love as celebration for his first birthday, but we'll see what God has in store. He sure is full of surprises. I mean, originally I expected  to be spending this birthday apart, yet here we are. 
Thank you Jesus.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
          (Lamentations 3:22-24 ESV)

The abundant RV life

So I'm guessing we're in the Honeymoon stage, but so far there is nothing about RVing that I don't love. 
Let me catch you guys up. 

Right before we left for the Rock Boat, some very generous friends of ours told us we could borrow their luxurious 40 ft RV for our next March-April tour. So here we are; 5 days into the living-on-tour-in-an-RV life dream. And I love it. 
We left Thursday night after spending 3 days living in our good friend's driveway, moving in, stocking and learning how to work this new piece of machinery.It was a bit intimidating at first. But we found our groove just in time. Thursday afternoon, the band moved in. 
And then we were off. 5 men, 2 boys, 1 baby and me. 
Surprisingly, there is more room than you think! We have a small portable pack n play that fits perfectly in the back closet. We put a baby gate to hold the door open and voila, a perfect little nook for baby. Not too mention, the sounds and jolts of the back room, although terrifying at first, are actually quite lulling when you want to sleep. So it works well! That back bedroom has a king-sized bed and enough room for a blowup mattress when it's slide out. It also closes off for privacy, double barricaded. 
While traveling late, me and my boys fall asleep in the back bed all snuggled together, with Baby Johnny close by in the crib-in-the-closet. Sounds crazy out loud, but it's genius -I'm telling you.
When we stop for the night, Mark slides the RV open to full capacity and puts the stakes down. He turns the dinette table into a bed just perfect sized for our little 8 and 6 year old to snuggle in and then moves our sleeping angels in to it. They don't even stir. Mark gently whispers to me to wake up and we get to work blowing up the queen-sized mattress for the couch bed and the twin mattress for the back bedroom floor. Once the living area has officially been converted into a second bedroom, Mark brings the sleeping baby out of the closet and nestles his pack n play right by our bed and the boys. The band moves to the back bedroom and sleeps 3 across the king bed and 1 on the blow up mattress. 

Done. 
It's actually easier than moving into a hotel room, in my opinion. 
Traveling by day is a snap too. I was afraid my kids would be bouncing off the walls, being stuck in a car all day. But this is no car. This is a home on wheels. They have the back bed to spread out all their toys and go to town. We also have xbox and playstation set up on the tv back there so they have plenty of game and movie options. We use the dinette table for drawing time and home-school in the mornings. The boys can also sit up front on the couches and watch the scenery go by, read, play their DS, talk to the guys, snuggle with mommy or sometimes when they are really lucky, they get to co-pilot for Daddy. That is their favorite.

Sometimes we boon-dock at Walmart's  Sometimes we know kind, generous people who let us park in their front yard. 
Today we are parked at a really amazing home, with a very kind family. There is even RV hook-ups in the driveway!
Right now I'm in the RV while the baby naps. My feet are up. I'm reclining in an easy chair with the door open. A Texas spring breeze is tickling my nose and the happy sounds of my boys playing in a heated pool is warming my heart.
I am living, abundantly. Thank you Jesus.
"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Now to our God and Father be glory forever and ever." Philippians 4:19-20


18-20 And now I have it all—and keep getting more! The gifts you sent with Epaphroditus were more than enough, like a sweet-smelling sacrifice roasting on the altar, filling the air with fragrance, pleasing God no end. You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes. 

Philippians 4:19-20

The Message (MSG)