together.

This may come as a shock to some of you who know me well, but I've decided to let baby Johnny grow up.
I've always had a hard time letting go of the baby stage. Oh how I love a tiny, squishy baby that simply wants to be in your arms. Let's be honest, that is way more simple and easy compared to the complex needs we develop as we age.  
I can feel every step of independence taking my children one step further from  out of my arms. Growing up has always felt tinged with growing apart. I don't want to grow apart from my babies.
But it doesn't have to be that way. 
I've always lived in a world of obligations, duties, tasks, checklists.  It's not my babies growing up and away from me. It's me. That precious newborn stage, is so precious, because I allow it to be. I treasure every moment. Something about the frailty of freshly made life coupled with the act of birth, leaves me feeling entitled to resting, to enjoying, to experiencing the bond between my baby and I.
But I change. As baby grows to toddler, and no longer needs me to meet his every need, as my body heals and recovers from being a conduit to a miracle, I no longer feel justified to sit and drink in his existence. I feel like I have to earn my existence again. I return to work, to chores, to deadlines, to schedules, to hurrying, hurrying, hurrying.
How much we miss when we hurry.
Then I blame the miracle of growth. Don't I always blame growth? Growth is change, growth is learning, growth is trials, but growth is also the way too better things. Growth doesn't cause us to grow apart, independence doesn't cause us to grow apart, our response to it does.
My two older boys, 8 and 6, no longer need my help to do basic life functions. We went from them needing me every two hours to this life of quick interactions urging towards the next; rushing off to school in the morning, pressing through the homework battle, hastening through dinner because the dishes are waiting then hurried baths and maybe an hour of family time before bed.
No wonder I missed the baby stage, when every moment required slowing down for bonding time.

Living in this RV, on tour with my husband has changed all that. We have nothing to rush to. We get up in the morning and take as long as we want on good mornings and snuggles. Breakfast is about yummy coffee and waffles and talking about where we woke up and where we are going next together.
School has changed from something we rush away to, into a joined effort. I thought of home-schooling as simply taking over the responsibilty of ensuring my children grow and learn. I was so wrong. I get to grow with them. We are growing together.
Yesterday Topher was working on his kindergarten sight words, He has them all memorized like lightening except for about four. He is so so proud. He beams at me from under that lock of brown hair falling across his forehead, "Mom you are the best teacher." 
I've always heard little boys fall in love with their kindergarten teacher. I never dreamed that would be me. 

We try to do the Jesus storybook Bible together daily. We gathered where ever we are. We read the word, we discuss and I swear, Mark and I learn more than the kids do, and the kids are learning a lot. We are learning together.
We pray together as a family and I get to hear my children's heart and watch as God shapes them into little men after His Heart. Witnessing the changes in them, changes me. We are changing as a family together.
Now I can't lie, we have our share of tough days, though they are few and far between so far, thank you Jesus. But even when days are trying, when trials come up... we don't walk away (ps there is no where to walk away on an RV) It turns out all we have cultivated, our time with each other, our time with God, really helps us use our trials to move forward to a better place. We persevere  together. 
Through all this, I've realized something spectacular. My intimacy with my children doesn't have to lessen as they grow up. My control does because I need to slowly give them more and more of their own control over their lives to prepare them to be adults. My care-giving does because to build their self esteem as adults I have to let them learn to do stuff themselves. 
But my intimacy with them can actually grow. If I take the time to grow it. For me, that involves stopping all the hurrying. Doing less apart and more together. And choosing to be present in more of those moments. 
I guess I always knew my duties as a mother to keep them safe, which lessens over the years until it's eventually done. And to do for them what they can't do for themselves, which also lessens over the years until it is eventually done.
But there is a duty as a mother that only grows. To love them, and all that entails. 
I resolve today to never feel guilty for putting aside other duties so I can stop and love my children. 
Love God. Love my family. Love people. 
I'm just gonna focus on that for a while and let everything else fall as it may. 
Which brings me back to Johnny. If Johnny growing up doesn't mean growing away, rather growing together, then I'm perfectly okay with letting that happen. I can't wait to see what he has to teach me. 

Mark 10: 13 People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. 14 When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 15 I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." 16 And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.