A ball is rolling that I didn't kick

You might not know this, but 6am on the back of a party boat, is a grave yard. You have the entire ocean, the whole world it seems, to yourself. 

When Mark first mentioned to me that he would like for me to join him on the Rock Boat this year, I felt conflicted. Of course I wanted to go. It's a cruise. I was totally down for sun and buffets on the back of a boat. But I'm a mother to an 11 month old. Baby Johnny still nurses primarily and I've barely left him for more than a few hours. I just couldn't leave my baby behind at this age.
On the flip side, I want to be a good life-partner to Mark. We both share a love language; companionship. We want to be each other's best friend, walking through life in step with each other. If I have an opportunity to join Mark and I don't, Mark would be as disappointed as I. Being with him in his pursuits, is a way to show I support him.
Unsure what to do, Mark and I prayed that God would lead us in the direction He wanted us to take. I prayed specifically, that if God wanted me to go, that a door would open so I could go upholding my values as a mother. 
Rather than face a future disappointment, I assumed I would not go. Why would God care if I get to go on a silly cruise anyways. I began working on accepting that.   
When the opportunity came for Mark to be involved in a song writing session at sea, aboard a bluegrass festival cruise and I was allowed to bring the baby... Mark and I felt it was an answered prayer. Now I could go on this cruise, which would take the sting off of missing out on the Rock Boat. 
I spoke to a friend about our plans and told her my worries about bringing our baby on a party. She had a very interesting point. "Meg, you only have to be as involved with the wilder side of things as much as you choose, anytime it gets too crazy, you can go to your cabin"
It's a empowering concept I so quickly forget: I'm in control of me. 
So we went. Mark and I were one of the few brave (?) people who brought a baby on the Mountain Song At Sea. Upon boarding, there was one other couple with a stroller we saw in passing. We met eyes and smiled "Oh good, we're not the only ones."  
Mark was working, so mostly it was me and Johnny. We feel into a very easy, natural routine.
Johnny wakes up at the crack of dawn, and since Mark was up all night song writing, I needed to get Johnny out of the room and let him get his sleep. 
There was an unexpected benefit to having a baby wake me every morning. I found myself at the back of the boat, every morning at sunrise. What a breathtaking experience. I have never felt more energized, than watching a dark sky, over dark waters brighten into day. It was Hope.  

We would sit on the back of the boat for an hour or two, chatting it up with a few of the other early risers. I would sip on the unlimited coffee. Johnny would snack on some of the yummiest oatmeal I've ever tasted and practice throwing things down for all the waiters to pick up. I told them not to bother but they seemed to enjoy the game as much as he.
By 8:30 or 9am,  Johnny would start to get antsy so we would walk down to under two zoo room, that was almost always empty. Johnny had all the toys to himself. We would sit in there another hour or two while I did my morning devotionals. By around 10am, I knew Mark would be waking up soon, so we'd return to our room, take our showers and dress for the day. 
I've never been one to eat much early in the morning, so when Mark was ready for breakfast, we would join him and I had would have a light brunch with my boo. This was Mark's Daddy time.  Mark has always loved his ability to put Johnny to sleep. And after the busy morning, Johnny and I had, we both were ready for Daddy to take over and rock him to sleep. 
While Mark worked, I watched movies in the cabin while the baby crawled around, or I ran around with some of the other ladies on the ship. I met amazing, beautiful people. I saw amazing, beautiful sights. I appreciated the afternoon break in my cabin to decompress and process all I was experiencing. Mark sometimes had time to hang in the cabin with us and sometimes had work.  But we almost always met up for meals. We had a dry erase board on our door and we used it to communicate with each other so we always knew where each other were. In the evening I hung around, sometimes at the back of shows, sometimes tagging along with Mark, just enjoying the events, until around 9pm. My day was full, so rich, so blessed... I was happy to retire for the night with baby Johnny and get a good night sleep. Mark would crawl into bed sometime between 3-4am, whispering to me all the exciting things he had done. 
I was so fulfilled. All that was missing was our two older sons.
By the time it was over, we had made amazing friends and we had realized something spectacular. We can do this. We can balance work, career, family and fun. We don't have divide ourselves up to have a little to give here and a little to give here. We can combine them and give 100% to it all. Mark came home from this cruise a changed man. He want's that life now, that life where he doesn't have to choose between family and career anymore.
I came home AFRAID. I want this life so bad I'm afraid to hope, afraid to believe. WHY?? When has anyone ever been punished for asking? Why am I so afraid to have all my dreams come true. 
Luckily, Mark has enough faith for both of us. 
Things have jut changed since then. It feels like a ball is rolling and I wasn't the one who kicked it.
We are searching for an RV to live in so we can easily go wherever Mark does. We are selling our stuff. We have an RV available to borrow to go on a trial run tour as a family in March. I pulled the kids out of school so I can home-school and we can be on our own schedule, on Daddy's schedule, on the Hartman schedule.

Right now I'm sitting across the hall from The All American Rejects,  in our own green room full of juice, veggies and fruit platters. My kids are playing with their toys strewn over the couches, while Johnny toddles around. It's like being home, but better. 
And tomorrow, we are boarding the Rock Boat, as a family of five: Mark, Me, Markie, Topher and baby Johnny.
Perhaps God does care about silly little cruises, after all.
Wish us luck! xo

Lamentations 3:25 "The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him" (NIV)

Coming clean

It's hard to be left behind. 
Now I know that when my husband Mark leaves on tour that he is working, believe me. I see how much work and dedication he puts into it. However, there are times when I get jealous of what his work requires. The seeing and experiencing that comes with traveling the United States, playing shows to a new crowd under a new moon every night, waking up to a new day each morning, sipping on new coffee under a new sun, to the backdrop of a new skyline... well, it just doesn't seem much like a hardship to me. Especially when my days consist of an overwhelming SAMENESS. Same bed, same pillow, same alarm clock, same coffee, same chair, same view to the same bus stop at the same time, spending my day with all the same people until I finally crash back in the same bed and the same routine starts again.
Typically when this feeling wells up within me, I follow the unproductive cycle of sulking, pouting, resenting and then feeling guilty for having a negative emotion that doesn't support my husband and his dreams, which ultimately results in me burying the quiet voice in my head, asking "What about my dreams?"
But recently we tried something different.
Mark and I have been working a lot on improving our communication skills. Surprisingly, it seems better communication skills towards others start with communicating better with yourself. It involves listening to your quiet voice and what it wants, so you are aware of why you're acting the way you are. Only then do you even know how to express it to someone else.  What a puzzle, right. 
Well this particular conflict started in a usual fashion. Mark was filling me in, a little last minute, on something he had to leave for. It wasn't a big deal, it wouldn't be for long. It shouldn't have bothered me. Yet I felt angry, perhaps a little abandoned. And then embarrassed that I cared. I tried to play off the feelings, act like I didn't mind. Because I didn't want to mind. But I still did. I was jealous. It sounded fun and I wished that I could go have some fun too.
Mark knew something was wrong. And he won't leave something wrong if he thinks he can fix it. Lately, he has been believing he can fix anything with God. 
'What's wrong boo? Do you not want me to go?" He asked

Though it was an innocent question, it only embarrassed me further. How ridiculous I sounded when he said it out loud "No of course not! I know you need to go. I believe in what we are doing, in what you are pursuing. I don't want you to stop because I'm excited for our dream, for our future. So you have to go whenever you can. That's what this type of career means. I know that."
... silence. He just stared at me, waiting, with those big, soul searching eyes while I glared at him, angry that I could feel so convinced about one thing yet still feel so torn inside, so ... so ... 
so left out.
Eyes downcast, I whispered the truth that I was trying to avoid "I feel like you are living this grand adventure, and I am just an accessory. I want to live too, while I'm still young enough to dare to. Sometimes I just wonder, how long do we sacrifice today for the hope of tomorrow?"   
The silence hung like a suffocating blanket. Sometimes when you say things, you can't take them back. Sometimes they spark a change, a new direction that you regret. Sometimes words prompt endings, that you aren't ready for. 
But not this time. 
After a long moment thinking, Mark looked up. 
"Well can we pray about that?' He asked.

Mark prayed, holding back nothing. For the first time, I heard my husband believe he could have it all- the career, the dream, and the family, the marriage, the intimacy only closeness offers, at the same time. And not one day, but today. He asked God to move mountains and make it happen now. It was the first time either of us were unafraid to truly dream big and pray, ask, hope for  EVERYTHING we wanted, today. 
Mark ended his prayer asking if God would open up doors so that I specifically could start joining him on more of the cool things his band gets to do, in a way that still allows me to hold to my values as a mother.
You might think that nothing can change just by speaking to a God you can't see. But hearing my husband's heart like that, I felt better by the end of it.  
That very night, Mark got a call asking him to be a part of a song writing session at sea, all expenses paid cruise to the Bahamas. Me and baby Johnny were included, free of charge along with a substantial check to cover travel expenses. 
Earlier I mentioned Mark feels empowered lately,  like he can get through anything with God on his side... perhaps he is on to something. 
"You do not have, because you do not ask God. – James 4:2 (NIV)

An improbable seed

Tonight we are going to look at an RV. Like to live in. Like we are going to sell all of our stuff and move our family into an RV. I'm not sure if we're crazy or beginning our dream, but I guess it will be fun to find out.
This idea began as a tiny little seed last summer. My husband, Mark, was on tour with his band, Junior Doctor, and we were on vacation with my family. While running around the pool as little boys do, my oldest son, Markie fell down and hit his head on the concrete side. 
He came to me crying, confused and disoriented, unable to hold a memory. He kept repeating "What happened, why does my head hurt, Mommy I'm scared"
In that moment, in the midst of all my extended family, at a crowded pool; I was completely alone. The only thing that existed for me was this moment; my three boys, my husband miles away and my worst fear: one of my babies was hurt. 
My parents kept Topher, our middle child, while my brother rushed us the ER. I called Mark on the way. He felt helpless. He wanted to jump a plane to us, but I reminded him that everything could be fine by the time he got here. "Just wait" I told him. "I'll call you when I know something clear."
They wouldn't let me take our baby, Johnny, into the ER so my brother kept him and Markie and I went in alone. That hour spent waiting on results from the brain scan at the time seemed horrible, yet so much changed in that hour without us fully realizing. 

The little things mean the most

My mind raced as I waited. I knew so clearly that Mark and I are the best team we have to offer our children. And there is no one that can take his place when he is gone. We were designed to parent our kids together, to handle difficult times together, to share in life's joys together. And we work together like a well oiled machine. We're far better together than we have ever been apart. I felt convinced the day would have gone different if Mark and I would have been together, conquering the day as a team. Not because I am inadequate, but because we are better together. I am the yin to his yang and vice versa. We balance each other and bring out the best in each other. I had never wanted the best for my children so badly as in that moment. 
Well Markie turned out just fine. He had some temporary swelling that caused the temporary memory loss and confusion. That all cleared up before we even left the ER. He had begun calming down and holding memory shortly after the scan. To the naked eye, it might have seemed like a pointless trip. 
But when I called Mark to tell him all was well, something was different.

Love notes to our Daddy

You see, we always dreamed of ONE DAY going out on the road with Mark and the band. You know, when we were all rich, had a nanny and one of those million dollar tour buses... after the nice car, nice house and of course we had purchased everything apple has to offer. 
Yet this simple little summer pool slip... it changed us, it refocused our priorities. 
What's the use of a nice home if we aren't living in it together?
What's the use of a nice car, to drive to separate places, in separate states, away from each other?
Could having more money, more luxuries, more stuff, really take the place of the companionship we crave from living our life in step with each other?
During that simple little hour at the ER, we realized a life changing truth, a core family value:
We just need us. US became our priority. 
We both arrived at that same conclusion, in two different states, miles apart from each other. Some people might see that as a coincidence, we saw it as destiny.
We ended that phone conversation deciding that our new goal was to get in an RV and on the road with Mark as soon as possible. We had no idea how, no idea when or no idea if we were allowed too. But we knew we would. We committed to praying for it and dreaming about it as family. Every time doubt crept in, we chose hope instead. 

So today, as I wait with anticipation to check out our first used RV with intent to buy... Feeling like perhaps all our dreams might come true, we might never have to leave each other again, I'm reminded that this ball got rolling from an event that seemed to be one I should regret, my child's trip to the ER. It's said that we have a Creator that can use all things for good for those who love him. Things like this, inspire me to believe it.



Romans 8:28
New International Version (NIV)
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.