Coming clean

It's hard to be left behind. 
Now I know that when my husband Mark leaves on tour that he is working, believe me. I see how much work and dedication he puts into it. However, there are times when I get jealous of what his work requires. The seeing and experiencing that comes with traveling the United States, playing shows to a new crowd under a new moon every night, waking up to a new day each morning, sipping on new coffee under a new sun, to the backdrop of a new skyline... well, it just doesn't seem much like a hardship to me. Especially when my days consist of an overwhelming SAMENESS. Same bed, same pillow, same alarm clock, same coffee, same chair, same view to the same bus stop at the same time, spending my day with all the same people until I finally crash back in the same bed and the same routine starts again.
Typically when this feeling wells up within me, I follow the unproductive cycle of sulking, pouting, resenting and then feeling guilty for having a negative emotion that doesn't support my husband and his dreams, which ultimately results in me burying the quiet voice in my head, asking "What about my dreams?"
But recently we tried something different.
Mark and I have been working a lot on improving our communication skills. Surprisingly, it seems better communication skills towards others start with communicating better with yourself. It involves listening to your quiet voice and what it wants, so you are aware of why you're acting the way you are. Only then do you even know how to express it to someone else.  What a puzzle, right. 
Well this particular conflict started in a usual fashion. Mark was filling me in, a little last minute, on something he had to leave for. It wasn't a big deal, it wouldn't be for long. It shouldn't have bothered me. Yet I felt angry, perhaps a little abandoned. And then embarrassed that I cared. I tried to play off the feelings, act like I didn't mind. Because I didn't want to mind. But I still did. I was jealous. It sounded fun and I wished that I could go have some fun too.
Mark knew something was wrong. And he won't leave something wrong if he thinks he can fix it. Lately, he has been believing he can fix anything with God. 
'What's wrong boo? Do you not want me to go?" He asked

Though it was an innocent question, it only embarrassed me further. How ridiculous I sounded when he said it out loud "No of course not! I know you need to go. I believe in what we are doing, in what you are pursuing. I don't want you to stop because I'm excited for our dream, for our future. So you have to go whenever you can. That's what this type of career means. I know that."
... silence. He just stared at me, waiting, with those big, soul searching eyes while I glared at him, angry that I could feel so convinced about one thing yet still feel so torn inside, so ... so ... 
so left out.
Eyes downcast, I whispered the truth that I was trying to avoid "I feel like you are living this grand adventure, and I am just an accessory. I want to live too, while I'm still young enough to dare to. Sometimes I just wonder, how long do we sacrifice today for the hope of tomorrow?"   
The silence hung like a suffocating blanket. Sometimes when you say things, you can't take them back. Sometimes they spark a change, a new direction that you regret. Sometimes words prompt endings, that you aren't ready for. 
But not this time. 
After a long moment thinking, Mark looked up. 
"Well can we pray about that?' He asked.

Mark prayed, holding back nothing. For the first time, I heard my husband believe he could have it all- the career, the dream, and the family, the marriage, the intimacy only closeness offers, at the same time. And not one day, but today. He asked God to move mountains and make it happen now. It was the first time either of us were unafraid to truly dream big and pray, ask, hope for  EVERYTHING we wanted, today. 
Mark ended his prayer asking if God would open up doors so that I specifically could start joining him on more of the cool things his band gets to do, in a way that still allows me to hold to my values as a mother.
You might think that nothing can change just by speaking to a God you can't see. But hearing my husband's heart like that, I felt better by the end of it.  
That very night, Mark got a call asking him to be a part of a song writing session at sea, all expenses paid cruise to the Bahamas. Me and baby Johnny were included, free of charge along with a substantial check to cover travel expenses. 
Earlier I mentioned Mark feels empowered lately,  like he can get through anything with God on his side... perhaps he is on to something. 
"You do not have, because you do not ask God. – James 4:2 (NIV)