Home school!

In order to change my life, support my husband's passions and dreams, and preserve the intimacy and closeness our family desires, I have started Home Schooling my kids.
The truth is, this is not always easy for me. I struggle with perfectionism and self doubt. I have been working on these issues for the last six years but they still come up. Home school really exasperates this in me. 

You see, MY passion is for my family. 
I want a successful marriage, because I'm married to my best friend and I see how much joy I have when we are in line and in a healthy place. 
And I want to give my children this amazing foundation for happiness; self esteem, true faith, empowerment, great communication skills, wisdom, confidence, courage, resilience, ect ... any thing they might need to THRIVE in life. I want them to THRIVE.
They need education. It can effect their self esteem, their ability to reason, their ability to communicate intelligently... ect.
I want to give them an amazing education. But this is real life. Right now, my finances are in more of a faith building phase than an abundance phase. My schedule is hectic, and not always on a successful Mon-Fri, August-May schedule. Not too mention my oldest is literally a genius, according to his IQ testing ... and I ... am not. 
So can I really do this? Successfully. And fairly for my children and all  want to give them to THRIVE. 

Here's the amazing thing I found out. If God calls you to something, He will give you what you need to accomplish it, despite how qualified you feel you are!

My finances were not suddenly granted the $500 a child, that it might cost to purchase a year of curriculum ... Yet a first grade teacher friend did provide me with an excellent first grade curriculum for Topher! It actually shows me what to do each day. Phew. That takes a load off. She even gave me a benchmark leveling kit for reading so I can track his progress and ensure he stays at or above expected grade level. How rewarding for a self doubting mom like me! 
Then she also got me in touch with a third grade teacher from her school who can help me with Markie's curriculum! I also found that SCHOOL ZONE online has some affordable workbooks to supplement. My little 3rd grade genius can work on 4th, 5th or 6th grade concepts for a challenge and these workbooks are only $3-$15 per book. Thank you Jesus!

I've found the flexibility of home schooling really appealed to me, yet I was constantly feeling guilty if we got off the rigid schedule (which we have, a lot, while adjusting to tour life). So I've decided to do year round home schooling. That way, anytime we lose a week or two (or three) during a crazy period, we will always have other time to make up.
For example, we're off the road right now and it's been very easy to keep up with a home school routine. 

The past week or so I have transitioned my kids into their next grade. We are now teaching first and third grade, so that we can start August ahead of "schedule". That can really take some pressure and fear off my shoulders that we may fall behind. 
As I've been creating the 2013-2014 curriculum routine, I have felt such a weight off my shoulders. I've found ideas to stimulate my third grader. I actually feel like he's learning again, not just practicing things he already knows. (He learns so fast) 
I'm seeing marked improvement in my first grader and following a curriculum he understands and is benefiting from.  Right now, we are THRIVING. And I am loving it. 

I feel organized, prepared and more confident than ever that this is the right path for us. I see that God

opened doors and provided the means for us to do this. I see that He has been sending people on my path to encourage me and uplift me. If God is leading me, I know it's somewhere good. 

I have critics in my life. People that don't see the good in me, no matter how hard I try. That is so hard to accept. Some of my critics are even people I love. People I so desperately want to love me.

But you see, I can't live for them. God has a Purpose on my life, and I must do what I'm meant to do to live out that purpose. I'm happier when I do. I'm more effective when I do. I want to be used by God, which means that I can't be used by other people. It means God must be my leader, God must be in control and some people do not like losing control over those they love. 

So when critics come up in my life, I try to remember that they're perception does not have to be my reality. They're rejection does not have to say anything about me, it may only speak of them and they're struggles. I share this, because some of you readers may have your own critics. And they may not be strangers, they may be people you trusted. So I'm just saying you're not alone. In fact, people misunderstood and criticized Jesus, whom I believe was a perfect man. So if they did that too a perfect man, of course they will do it to an imperfect me, despite if my heart is in the right place.

I'm so honored that God cares and provides for my little home school efforts, in the midst of this great big grand world. I challenge you to look for your own personal ways that God can show you that YOU ARE SIGNIFICANT and that His Plan for you is not small, whether the actions feel so, they are impactful and purposeful, and He is invested in YOU.

Romans 8:31

New International Version (NIV)

More Than Conquerors

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

Cali, my place of revival

California was everything I had hoped it would be.

It was green, it was gorgeous, it was full of flowers and fair weather.
It felt like a place where fears disappeared and negativity dissipated.
My mind was so full of hope, love and beauty, I had no room to worry about everyone's thoughts and opinions of my life.
What a break.
I spend too much of my time caring what others think about me, my choices, my life. Way too much time. And my recent choice to join my husband and his band on the road, has had it's fair share of naysayers. If I'm not constantly working to ignore it, it can start to wear on me.
California was just far enough away that I couldn't hear the naysayers voices anymore. It was freeing.
I realized while we were there, that this is why I'm teaching myself to have an internal lotus of control (meaning, being controlled by my own values, thoughts & opinions rather than others) This freedom that comes from giving up the impossible task of pleasing everyone with the things I do...

This is why I'm working so hard to learn these new philosophies: because they allow me to be a better mom, free to pick flowers in Cali when my "kids should be in school not traveling the USA", they allow me to be a better wife, supporting my husband in his dreams, his passions, his purpose even if he might be "too old to be chasing such irresponsible endeavors" and they allow me to be a happier me, living my own dreams of traveling, seeing, smelling, tasting all the good this world has to offer, and sharing it with my loving family.
We are living a good life.
I realized an important thought when I left California; if I heard about a family doing anything possible to stay together while daring to pursue their purpose, I wouldn't label them as irresponsible, I would think it's awfully romantic and I would be proud of them for valuing family and dreaming big.
So I'm living a life I would be proud to see someone else live. Why not be proud of myself for living it? Why let other people's opinions affect mine and cause me to doubt myself.

No longer. 17 year old Meg has started talking back to 29 year old Meg and reminding me to live our dreams, be glad Mark is still so romantic after 12 years and stop letting spectators of my life influence me from living it! All the chit chat really means is that I'm living interestingly enough to spark conversation.
I hope you all get a chance to find your own California and figure out what YOU want out of life, and then create it.

It's so simple. We get one life. Don't waste it, please. It's such a great big beautiful world we were given to enjoy, chock full of hope and beauty and joy and above all, love.

The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that. (Proverbs 29:25 MSG)

Messes and travel

It's amazing what traveling in an RV with 5 men, 2 boys, 1 baby and myself, has taught me about acceptance. Mostly from my lack of acceptance, and the unnecessary angst it causes me.

Acceptance is an unusual concept. I've been working on it a lot this year
The idea is simple, accept what is. Save yourself the anguish of trying to resist reality.
For example, spilled coffee. You can accept it has spilled or you can scream and yell and be frustrated. Either way it's spilled. Either way you have to clean it up. Same situations, but the difference between acceptance is the difference of peace.
I started with the coffee. Now I'm building into bigger areas. But the concept is still simple. It is what is, now what can I do. Easier said than done though.
People seem to think acceptance means allowing bad things, surrendering. It seems the opposite. For me, when I stop wasting time complaining about reality, my focus is freed up to find solutions. Acceptance leads me to solutions, not surrender to the issue. Unfortunately, I am still learning how to apply this lesson so I don't always choose this freedom. 

When I woke in the middle of the night, to Johnny gagging and heaving, my first thoughts were not acceptance. Sadly, my first thought was more along the lines of what way should I point him to make the least amount of mess. 

This is typical of me. I have trouble accepting reality. I mean, I don't really have to be covered in bodily fluids right? Maybe the diaper will hold the next disaster. Maybe I'll see the signs before the next upchuck and I can hold the baby over a sink. 
Does that ever work for you? Because it never has for me. Rather, I end up making more of a mess trying to avoid a mess. Picture the vomit trail from the bedroom to bathroom as I run to the sink.
All because I resist Reality: Sick babies make sick diapers all over mommy's legs. Sick babies spew sick messes all down Mommy's shirts. It's impossible to hold and comfort your sick baby without getting dirty yourself.

Oh yes, I resist that. And oh yes, it has been so frustrating, when after my tenth shower,  the next mess ends up down my neck. AH!!! I JUST CHANGED MY SHIRT!

Sick babies can be no fun. 

This time was different though. I'm not alone in my home to fight reality to my hearts content. I'm on tour with my husband, his fellow band members, a sound guy, and on a very tight travel schedule. 
No way to stop. No way to shower. No way to do laundry. For two whole days. On a sick baby schedule, that's like 50 showers and 10 loads of laundry in the hole ...

Since I couldn't shower or keep any laundry going, I was free to just hold my sick baby. 
I gave up my unrealistic goal to stay clean while caring for my sick baby. 
My focus became solely on comforting my sick baby, not on avoiding his messes. 

Without realizing it at first, I was forced into acceptance. My baby is sick. He is messy. I want to comfort him through this. So I will be messy with him. 

I wish I could always accept the messy truths about life this easily. 
Too often my thoughts are on the wrong things:  How it negatively affects me (I don't enjoy being wet and smelly) what others will think (people are going to think I'm gross and unsanitary if bodily fluids are on me) 
and the unrealistic idea that I can somehow avoid life ever be unpleasant (NO WAY!! Surely being puked on isn't the only option here) 

News flash: puke happens. And if you want to care for the sick, it's gonna get on you.


You know, when I accepted the unpleasant truth that I would have to wear bodily fluids for two days before I could shower or do laundry, it somehow became less unpleasant. 
It was just ... reality. 

The funniest part is, I seem to think getting messy is the worst thing in the world and I waste so much time resisting it! It took one long, hot shower and three loads of laundry to restore everything dirty back to clean again.  

Perhaps the same is true in a much bigger scale. Perhaps I would be much more effective caring for our emotional & spiritually sick moments if I accept the messy truths, and accept I will have to get dirty to do something about it. 
If I start believing it's okay to get dirty, because I can always come clean.
If I really allow myself to believe and act on the belief that all messes, big, small and metaphoric, 
can come clean again. I can accept what is, because I know there is always a way towards a solution.

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.
1 Corinthians 10:13  -  The Message (MSG)

together.

This may come as a shock to some of you who know me well, but I've decided to let baby Johnny grow up.
I've always had a hard time letting go of the baby stage. Oh how I love a tiny, squishy baby that simply wants to be in your arms. Let's be honest, that is way more simple and easy compared to the complex needs we develop as we age.  
I can feel every step of independence taking my children one step further from  out of my arms. Growing up has always felt tinged with growing apart. I don't want to grow apart from my babies.
But it doesn't have to be that way. 
I've always lived in a world of obligations, duties, tasks, checklists.  It's not my babies growing up and away from me. It's me. That precious newborn stage, is so precious, because I allow it to be. I treasure every moment. Something about the frailty of freshly made life coupled with the act of birth, leaves me feeling entitled to resting, to enjoying, to experiencing the bond between my baby and I.
But I change. As baby grows to toddler, and no longer needs me to meet his every need, as my body heals and recovers from being a conduit to a miracle, I no longer feel justified to sit and drink in his existence. I feel like I have to earn my existence again. I return to work, to chores, to deadlines, to schedules, to hurrying, hurrying, hurrying.
How much we miss when we hurry.
Then I blame the miracle of growth. Don't I always blame growth? Growth is change, growth is learning, growth is trials, but growth is also the way too better things. Growth doesn't cause us to grow apart, independence doesn't cause us to grow apart, our response to it does.
My two older boys, 8 and 6, no longer need my help to do basic life functions. We went from them needing me every two hours to this life of quick interactions urging towards the next; rushing off to school in the morning, pressing through the homework battle, hastening through dinner because the dishes are waiting then hurried baths and maybe an hour of family time before bed.
No wonder I missed the baby stage, when every moment required slowing down for bonding time.

Living in this RV, on tour with my husband has changed all that. We have nothing to rush to. We get up in the morning and take as long as we want on good mornings and snuggles. Breakfast is about yummy coffee and waffles and talking about where we woke up and where we are going next together.
School has changed from something we rush away to, into a joined effort. I thought of home-schooling as simply taking over the responsibilty of ensuring my children grow and learn. I was so wrong. I get to grow with them. We are growing together.
Yesterday Topher was working on his kindergarten sight words, He has them all memorized like lightening except for about four. He is so so proud. He beams at me from under that lock of brown hair falling across his forehead, "Mom you are the best teacher." 
I've always heard little boys fall in love with their kindergarten teacher. I never dreamed that would be me. 

We try to do the Jesus storybook Bible together daily. We gathered where ever we are. We read the word, we discuss and I swear, Mark and I learn more than the kids do, and the kids are learning a lot. We are learning together.
We pray together as a family and I get to hear my children's heart and watch as God shapes them into little men after His Heart. Witnessing the changes in them, changes me. We are changing as a family together.
Now I can't lie, we have our share of tough days, though they are few and far between so far, thank you Jesus. But even when days are trying, when trials come up... we don't walk away (ps there is no where to walk away on an RV) It turns out all we have cultivated, our time with each other, our time with God, really helps us use our trials to move forward to a better place. We persevere  together. 
Through all this, I've realized something spectacular. My intimacy with my children doesn't have to lessen as they grow up. My control does because I need to slowly give them more and more of their own control over their lives to prepare them to be adults. My care-giving does because to build their self esteem as adults I have to let them learn to do stuff themselves. 
But my intimacy with them can actually grow. If I take the time to grow it. For me, that involves stopping all the hurrying. Doing less apart and more together. And choosing to be present in more of those moments. 
I guess I always knew my duties as a mother to keep them safe, which lessens over the years until it's eventually done. And to do for them what they can't do for themselves, which also lessens over the years until it is eventually done.
But there is a duty as a mother that only grows. To love them, and all that entails. 
I resolve today to never feel guilty for putting aside other duties so I can stop and love my children. 
Love God. Love my family. Love people. 
I'm just gonna focus on that for a while and let everything else fall as it may. 
Which brings me back to Johnny. If Johnny growing up doesn't mean growing away, rather growing together, then I'm perfectly okay with letting that happen. I can't wait to see what he has to teach me. 

Mark 10: 13 People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. 14 When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 15 I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." 16 And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.

Too good to be true

This might be strange, but I actually enjoy going to Mark's shows with the kids even more than getting a babysitter and going on my own. 

Don't get me wrong, I love a free moment of independence from my kids, a moment where no one needs me and I can simply exist as Megan. But my calling to be a good mom is so strong inside me that I am more at peace when I am doing my duty as a mother, than when I'm not. 

I fully believe that life is about seasons. My season as a mother to young children will be short lived. In this season, I am tired from sleepless nights and days of dancing feet, I'm overwhelmed from the amount of needs my children require help fulfilling and the amount of joy that comes from teaching them how to meet those needs. I'm full to the brim with kisses on soft cheeks, pats on round bellies, and the responsibility to protect that which is most precious in them. 

Late nights out in town, while fun, just drain me. I'm already at my capacity. 

But nights out with the kids, are quite different.

We were all there as a family the night Mark opened for All American Rejects in Boca Raton. What a great night. What an amazing set up. We had our own green room, that was sorta like being home but way better. The room had been set up with fruits, vegetables, hummus, juices, waters, cakes, ect. There was plenty of seating, cozy couches, our lap top set up like a tv and even showers. But the coolest part for me, was we were right across the hall from the All American Rejects, whom I've been a fan of for 10 years!I could look out our door and see Tyson Ritter, I was completely fan-girling. In case you are wondering,  Tyson Ritter is a very kind, cool dude who stopped in the hall to speak to our children and was very generous and considerate to our band, despite his status and years of success in this industry. He was a great model of how to handle fame. 

We have these awesome sound cancelling ear phones for the kids, so we got to go out and watch AAR sound check, sort of like a private show just for the Hartmans. It was an amazing moment.

That night, me and the kids went to dinner with Daddy in a beautiful part of town, walking distance from the venue. Boca Raton is a gorgeous city. I loved everything my eyes could see. 

We were back just in time for Daddy to warm up and for me to change the baby into his pajamas.

We were allowed to watch the show from a great view, typically saved for photographers, but the security guards were kind and they loved the kids. Baby Johnny fell asleep to the muted sounds of his Daddy's band, Junior Doctor.

Once Junior Doctor's set was over we retreated back to the green room. Johnny's stroller turns into a bassinet type thing he could sleep in. The boys changed into their pj's and got cozy on the couches. I put on Wallace and Gromit, our favorite cozy time movie and before long the boys were all three fast asleep.

Mark and the Junior Doctor boys were busy at the merch table doing meet and greet type stuff; taking pictures, signing cds and t-shirts, sharing stories with fans. This would typically be a time were I would just kind of be hanging around. I love meeting people, but I'm best one on one. I don't always know how to handle a crowd in long doses. So honestly, I actually enjoy the quiet moments away with the kids, putting them to sleep and following our routines. Typically, this would be the time I would go to sleep myself. But not when All American Rejects is the closing band. That is a moment worth staying up late for. :)

The JRDR guys finished up around the middle of AAR's closing set. Our tour manager on that show, Jimmy, was kind enough to sit with our sleeping boys and let Mark & I watch the last All American Rejects song from backstage. What a killer moment.

All in all, the night couldn't have gone any better. I was able to be a part of everything I wanted to, while still keeping to all my values and duties as a mother. This was a dream of mine that seemed to good to be true. 

Until Mark asked God for it. 

It seems God specializing in things that are too good to be true.  

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

                       (Ecclesiastes 3:1 ESV)

Holidays on the road!

Last Saturday, March 9th, Mark and I celebrated being married for 11 years. 
Mark and our drummer Jarrod took turns driving for most of the day as we were on our way to Texas for tour. Some might wonder if I felt disappointed that most of our anniversary was spent driving with his band, which isn't super romantic. But you see, we have spent many, many holidays apart since Mark started touring. 
I am so grateful for the new plan God has in store for me so far this year! Instead of waking up in a cold winter bed, to a "happy anniversary" text and picture from my husband, I woke up to his smiling face and I got to snuggle up against his warm chest and kiss him good morning, stinky breath and all. 
That is enough to me. Just being with him, being a part of the exhilarating tour lifestyle is enough for me.
But that wasn't all it was. See, there is something I didn't know about tour until I experienced it. People are so welcoming, strangers are so generous; The world becomes your family when you are on tour. It seems God has many helpers along the way.
Around 9 pm Saturday night, we got into Flower Mound, Texas which is our bass player/back up singer Davey's home town. Davey's father and wife were waiting up and so gracious to our rowdy group of men and children and one very tired baby. They welcomed us into their home and invited us to make ourselves at home, and offered their showers and laundry areas for our disposal, as well as warm beds. 
Davey's mother had been waiting to take us all out to dinner. She met us with gifts for my boys whom she's never met and warm hugs all around. She also drove me and my tired, screaming baby around and pretended the noise didn't bother her, which I was so grateful for.
We all ate at this delicious authentic Tex-Mex restaurant. Someone tipped off the waiter that it was Mark and I's anniversary so we ended up with a delicious dessert and best wishes extended. At the end of the meal, our check disappeared. It was the best anniversary I've had in a long time. 

Today is Johnny's first birthday. If I were home, we would plan a big birthday with my family, with presents, games, and of course a big cake for Johnny to smash.
But if we were home, we would not be with Daddy.
Which would be more important to you?
For me it is no question. I want to celebrate the birth of my children, with the person whose love mixed with mine to bring them to life. I'd rather have less of stuff and more of the love.

So far, we woke up together as family and first thing the brothers jumped into our bed to rejoice in Johnny's change from baby to toddler. Topher was especially excited but also a little sad we don't have a baby anymore. I agreed with him, but asked him to please not pray for a new baby just yet (THAT is how Johnny got here in the first place, well... sort of) 
Even though Daddy was up late driving last night and was very tired, it worked out. He was ready for a nap when Johnny was, so Daddy and Johnny got to have their morning nap together, which is something 1 year old toddlers really love. 

One year ago, Johnny was born and "Uh, Oh" got added to Mix 105.1 radio. Today, Junior Doctor is visiting Corpus Christi, Texas to promote "Falling to Pieces". I'm curious to see if our little good luck charm works again. 

I was satisfied with just being together for our anniversary; however, God had even better plans for me. 
I'm satisfied with just being together as family, surrounding Johnny with our love as celebration for his first birthday, but we'll see what God has in store. He sure is full of surprises. I mean, originally I expected  to be spending this birthday apart, yet here we are. 
Thank you Jesus.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
          (Lamentations 3:22-24 ESV)

The abundant RV life

So I'm guessing we're in the Honeymoon stage, but so far there is nothing about RVing that I don't love. 
Let me catch you guys up. 

Right before we left for the Rock Boat, some very generous friends of ours told us we could borrow their luxurious 40 ft RV for our next March-April tour. So here we are; 5 days into the living-on-tour-in-an-RV life dream. And I love it. 
We left Thursday night after spending 3 days living in our good friend's driveway, moving in, stocking and learning how to work this new piece of machinery.It was a bit intimidating at first. But we found our groove just in time. Thursday afternoon, the band moved in. 
And then we were off. 5 men, 2 boys, 1 baby and me. 
Surprisingly, there is more room than you think! We have a small portable pack n play that fits perfectly in the back closet. We put a baby gate to hold the door open and voila, a perfect little nook for baby. Not too mention, the sounds and jolts of the back room, although terrifying at first, are actually quite lulling when you want to sleep. So it works well! That back bedroom has a king-sized bed and enough room for a blowup mattress when it's slide out. It also closes off for privacy, double barricaded. 
While traveling late, me and my boys fall asleep in the back bed all snuggled together, with Baby Johnny close by in the crib-in-the-closet. Sounds crazy out loud, but it's genius -I'm telling you.
When we stop for the night, Mark slides the RV open to full capacity and puts the stakes down. He turns the dinette table into a bed just perfect sized for our little 8 and 6 year old to snuggle in and then moves our sleeping angels in to it. They don't even stir. Mark gently whispers to me to wake up and we get to work blowing up the queen-sized mattress for the couch bed and the twin mattress for the back bedroom floor. Once the living area has officially been converted into a second bedroom, Mark brings the sleeping baby out of the closet and nestles his pack n play right by our bed and the boys. The band moves to the back bedroom and sleeps 3 across the king bed and 1 on the blow up mattress. 

Done. 
It's actually easier than moving into a hotel room, in my opinion. 
Traveling by day is a snap too. I was afraid my kids would be bouncing off the walls, being stuck in a car all day. But this is no car. This is a home on wheels. They have the back bed to spread out all their toys and go to town. We also have xbox and playstation set up on the tv back there so they have plenty of game and movie options. We use the dinette table for drawing time and home-school in the mornings. The boys can also sit up front on the couches and watch the scenery go by, read, play their DS, talk to the guys, snuggle with mommy or sometimes when they are really lucky, they get to co-pilot for Daddy. That is their favorite.

Sometimes we boon-dock at Walmart's  Sometimes we know kind, generous people who let us park in their front yard. 
Today we are parked at a really amazing home, with a very kind family. There is even RV hook-ups in the driveway!
Right now I'm in the RV while the baby naps. My feet are up. I'm reclining in an easy chair with the door open. A Texas spring breeze is tickling my nose and the happy sounds of my boys playing in a heated pool is warming my heart.
I am living, abundantly. Thank you Jesus.
"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Now to our God and Father be glory forever and ever." Philippians 4:19-20


18-20 And now I have it all—and keep getting more! The gifts you sent with Epaphroditus were more than enough, like a sweet-smelling sacrifice roasting on the altar, filling the air with fragrance, pleasing God no end. You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes. 

Philippians 4:19-20

The Message (MSG)

A ball is rolling that I didn't kick

You might not know this, but 6am on the back of a party boat, is a grave yard. You have the entire ocean, the whole world it seems, to yourself. 

When Mark first mentioned to me that he would like for me to join him on the Rock Boat this year, I felt conflicted. Of course I wanted to go. It's a cruise. I was totally down for sun and buffets on the back of a boat. But I'm a mother to an 11 month old. Baby Johnny still nurses primarily and I've barely left him for more than a few hours. I just couldn't leave my baby behind at this age.
On the flip side, I want to be a good life-partner to Mark. We both share a love language; companionship. We want to be each other's best friend, walking through life in step with each other. If I have an opportunity to join Mark and I don't, Mark would be as disappointed as I. Being with him in his pursuits, is a way to show I support him.
Unsure what to do, Mark and I prayed that God would lead us in the direction He wanted us to take. I prayed specifically, that if God wanted me to go, that a door would open so I could go upholding my values as a mother. 
Rather than face a future disappointment, I assumed I would not go. Why would God care if I get to go on a silly cruise anyways. I began working on accepting that.   
When the opportunity came for Mark to be involved in a song writing session at sea, aboard a bluegrass festival cruise and I was allowed to bring the baby... Mark and I felt it was an answered prayer. Now I could go on this cruise, which would take the sting off of missing out on the Rock Boat. 
I spoke to a friend about our plans and told her my worries about bringing our baby on a party. She had a very interesting point. "Meg, you only have to be as involved with the wilder side of things as much as you choose, anytime it gets too crazy, you can go to your cabin"
It's a empowering concept I so quickly forget: I'm in control of me. 
So we went. Mark and I were one of the few brave (?) people who brought a baby on the Mountain Song At Sea. Upon boarding, there was one other couple with a stroller we saw in passing. We met eyes and smiled "Oh good, we're not the only ones."  
Mark was working, so mostly it was me and Johnny. We feel into a very easy, natural routine.
Johnny wakes up at the crack of dawn, and since Mark was up all night song writing, I needed to get Johnny out of the room and let him get his sleep. 
There was an unexpected benefit to having a baby wake me every morning. I found myself at the back of the boat, every morning at sunrise. What a breathtaking experience. I have never felt more energized, than watching a dark sky, over dark waters brighten into day. It was Hope.  

We would sit on the back of the boat for an hour or two, chatting it up with a few of the other early risers. I would sip on the unlimited coffee. Johnny would snack on some of the yummiest oatmeal I've ever tasted and practice throwing things down for all the waiters to pick up. I told them not to bother but they seemed to enjoy the game as much as he.
By 8:30 or 9am,  Johnny would start to get antsy so we would walk down to under two zoo room, that was almost always empty. Johnny had all the toys to himself. We would sit in there another hour or two while I did my morning devotionals. By around 10am, I knew Mark would be waking up soon, so we'd return to our room, take our showers and dress for the day. 
I've never been one to eat much early in the morning, so when Mark was ready for breakfast, we would join him and I had would have a light brunch with my boo. This was Mark's Daddy time.  Mark has always loved his ability to put Johnny to sleep. And after the busy morning, Johnny and I had, we both were ready for Daddy to take over and rock him to sleep. 
While Mark worked, I watched movies in the cabin while the baby crawled around, or I ran around with some of the other ladies on the ship. I met amazing, beautiful people. I saw amazing, beautiful sights. I appreciated the afternoon break in my cabin to decompress and process all I was experiencing. Mark sometimes had time to hang in the cabin with us and sometimes had work.  But we almost always met up for meals. We had a dry erase board on our door and we used it to communicate with each other so we always knew where each other were. In the evening I hung around, sometimes at the back of shows, sometimes tagging along with Mark, just enjoying the events, until around 9pm. My day was full, so rich, so blessed... I was happy to retire for the night with baby Johnny and get a good night sleep. Mark would crawl into bed sometime between 3-4am, whispering to me all the exciting things he had done. 
I was so fulfilled. All that was missing was our two older sons.
By the time it was over, we had made amazing friends and we had realized something spectacular. We can do this. We can balance work, career, family and fun. We don't have divide ourselves up to have a little to give here and a little to give here. We can combine them and give 100% to it all. Mark came home from this cruise a changed man. He want's that life now, that life where he doesn't have to choose between family and career anymore.
I came home AFRAID. I want this life so bad I'm afraid to hope, afraid to believe. WHY?? When has anyone ever been punished for asking? Why am I so afraid to have all my dreams come true. 
Luckily, Mark has enough faith for both of us. 
Things have jut changed since then. It feels like a ball is rolling and I wasn't the one who kicked it.
We are searching for an RV to live in so we can easily go wherever Mark does. We are selling our stuff. We have an RV available to borrow to go on a trial run tour as a family in March. I pulled the kids out of school so I can home-school and we can be on our own schedule, on Daddy's schedule, on the Hartman schedule.

Right now I'm sitting across the hall from The All American Rejects,  in our own green room full of juice, veggies and fruit platters. My kids are playing with their toys strewn over the couches, while Johnny toddles around. It's like being home, but better. 
And tomorrow, we are boarding the Rock Boat, as a family of five: Mark, Me, Markie, Topher and baby Johnny.
Perhaps God does care about silly little cruises, after all.
Wish us luck! xo

Lamentations 3:25 "The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him" (NIV)

Coming clean

It's hard to be left behind. 
Now I know that when my husband Mark leaves on tour that he is working, believe me. I see how much work and dedication he puts into it. However, there are times when I get jealous of what his work requires. The seeing and experiencing that comes with traveling the United States, playing shows to a new crowd under a new moon every night, waking up to a new day each morning, sipping on new coffee under a new sun, to the backdrop of a new skyline... well, it just doesn't seem much like a hardship to me. Especially when my days consist of an overwhelming SAMENESS. Same bed, same pillow, same alarm clock, same coffee, same chair, same view to the same bus stop at the same time, spending my day with all the same people until I finally crash back in the same bed and the same routine starts again.
Typically when this feeling wells up within me, I follow the unproductive cycle of sulking, pouting, resenting and then feeling guilty for having a negative emotion that doesn't support my husband and his dreams, which ultimately results in me burying the quiet voice in my head, asking "What about my dreams?"
But recently we tried something different.
Mark and I have been working a lot on improving our communication skills. Surprisingly, it seems better communication skills towards others start with communicating better with yourself. It involves listening to your quiet voice and what it wants, so you are aware of why you're acting the way you are. Only then do you even know how to express it to someone else.  What a puzzle, right. 
Well this particular conflict started in a usual fashion. Mark was filling me in, a little last minute, on something he had to leave for. It wasn't a big deal, it wouldn't be for long. It shouldn't have bothered me. Yet I felt angry, perhaps a little abandoned. And then embarrassed that I cared. I tried to play off the feelings, act like I didn't mind. Because I didn't want to mind. But I still did. I was jealous. It sounded fun and I wished that I could go have some fun too.
Mark knew something was wrong. And he won't leave something wrong if he thinks he can fix it. Lately, he has been believing he can fix anything with God. 
'What's wrong boo? Do you not want me to go?" He asked

Though it was an innocent question, it only embarrassed me further. How ridiculous I sounded when he said it out loud "No of course not! I know you need to go. I believe in what we are doing, in what you are pursuing. I don't want you to stop because I'm excited for our dream, for our future. So you have to go whenever you can. That's what this type of career means. I know that."
... silence. He just stared at me, waiting, with those big, soul searching eyes while I glared at him, angry that I could feel so convinced about one thing yet still feel so torn inside, so ... so ... 
so left out.
Eyes downcast, I whispered the truth that I was trying to avoid "I feel like you are living this grand adventure, and I am just an accessory. I want to live too, while I'm still young enough to dare to. Sometimes I just wonder, how long do we sacrifice today for the hope of tomorrow?"   
The silence hung like a suffocating blanket. Sometimes when you say things, you can't take them back. Sometimes they spark a change, a new direction that you regret. Sometimes words prompt endings, that you aren't ready for. 
But not this time. 
After a long moment thinking, Mark looked up. 
"Well can we pray about that?' He asked.

Mark prayed, holding back nothing. For the first time, I heard my husband believe he could have it all- the career, the dream, and the family, the marriage, the intimacy only closeness offers, at the same time. And not one day, but today. He asked God to move mountains and make it happen now. It was the first time either of us were unafraid to truly dream big and pray, ask, hope for  EVERYTHING we wanted, today. 
Mark ended his prayer asking if God would open up doors so that I specifically could start joining him on more of the cool things his band gets to do, in a way that still allows me to hold to my values as a mother.
You might think that nothing can change just by speaking to a God you can't see. But hearing my husband's heart like that, I felt better by the end of it.  
That very night, Mark got a call asking him to be a part of a song writing session at sea, all expenses paid cruise to the Bahamas. Me and baby Johnny were included, free of charge along with a substantial check to cover travel expenses. 
Earlier I mentioned Mark feels empowered lately,  like he can get through anything with God on his side... perhaps he is on to something. 
"You do not have, because you do not ask God. – James 4:2 (NIV)

An improbable seed

Tonight we are going to look at an RV. Like to live in. Like we are going to sell all of our stuff and move our family into an RV. I'm not sure if we're crazy or beginning our dream, but I guess it will be fun to find out.
This idea began as a tiny little seed last summer. My husband, Mark, was on tour with his band, Junior Doctor, and we were on vacation with my family. While running around the pool as little boys do, my oldest son, Markie fell down and hit his head on the concrete side. 
He came to me crying, confused and disoriented, unable to hold a memory. He kept repeating "What happened, why does my head hurt, Mommy I'm scared"
In that moment, in the midst of all my extended family, at a crowded pool; I was completely alone. The only thing that existed for me was this moment; my three boys, my husband miles away and my worst fear: one of my babies was hurt. 
My parents kept Topher, our middle child, while my brother rushed us the ER. I called Mark on the way. He felt helpless. He wanted to jump a plane to us, but I reminded him that everything could be fine by the time he got here. "Just wait" I told him. "I'll call you when I know something clear."
They wouldn't let me take our baby, Johnny, into the ER so my brother kept him and Markie and I went in alone. That hour spent waiting on results from the brain scan at the time seemed horrible, yet so much changed in that hour without us fully realizing. 

The little things mean the most

My mind raced as I waited. I knew so clearly that Mark and I are the best team we have to offer our children. And there is no one that can take his place when he is gone. We were designed to parent our kids together, to handle difficult times together, to share in life's joys together. And we work together like a well oiled machine. We're far better together than we have ever been apart. I felt convinced the day would have gone different if Mark and I would have been together, conquering the day as a team. Not because I am inadequate, but because we are better together. I am the yin to his yang and vice versa. We balance each other and bring out the best in each other. I had never wanted the best for my children so badly as in that moment. 
Well Markie turned out just fine. He had some temporary swelling that caused the temporary memory loss and confusion. That all cleared up before we even left the ER. He had begun calming down and holding memory shortly after the scan. To the naked eye, it might have seemed like a pointless trip. 
But when I called Mark to tell him all was well, something was different.

Love notes to our Daddy

You see, we always dreamed of ONE DAY going out on the road with Mark and the band. You know, when we were all rich, had a nanny and one of those million dollar tour buses... after the nice car, nice house and of course we had purchased everything apple has to offer. 
Yet this simple little summer pool slip... it changed us, it refocused our priorities. 
What's the use of a nice home if we aren't living in it together?
What's the use of a nice car, to drive to separate places, in separate states, away from each other?
Could having more money, more luxuries, more stuff, really take the place of the companionship we crave from living our life in step with each other?
During that simple little hour at the ER, we realized a life changing truth, a core family value:
We just need us. US became our priority. 
We both arrived at that same conclusion, in two different states, miles apart from each other. Some people might see that as a coincidence, we saw it as destiny.
We ended that phone conversation deciding that our new goal was to get in an RV and on the road with Mark as soon as possible. We had no idea how, no idea when or no idea if we were allowed too. But we knew we would. We committed to praying for it and dreaming about it as family. Every time doubt crept in, we chose hope instead. 

So today, as I wait with anticipation to check out our first used RV with intent to buy... Feeling like perhaps all our dreams might come true, we might never have to leave each other again, I'm reminded that this ball got rolling from an event that seemed to be one I should regret, my child's trip to the ER. It's said that we have a Creator that can use all things for good for those who love him. Things like this, inspire me to believe it.



Romans 8:28
New International Version (NIV)
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.